Of Happiness and Sorrow...

We’re so gunna animate our own cartoon. DUDE. WE SO ARE.

guh.

Venting.
 
I’m sitting here in Academic Intervention and I feel like my stomach has dropped to my feet. I feel anxious. I feel sick and shaky and today has been hell because I cant seem to get my feet underneath me.
 
My heart’s in my throat. My stomach is at my feet. I feel weak. I feel like I just cant find any more strength to continue on. I wanna shut down and lay down and give up and wallow in my own self pity.
 
Odd.
 
Because I always try to be the better one. the better person. I always wanna be the one to take control and take action and look at the positives even though
 
I
know
I’m
useless.
 
I wish there was some way I could just… Prove myself. show the world that maybe I’m not just a complete waste of space. That I’m a unique individual with my own sort of talents.
 
JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
 
The irony is like a punch to the face.
 
And the images… Oh, the images of what I want to do to myself.
 
I want so badly to feel pain.
 
I’d dig my nails into my skin and just… Rip myself apart. I’d take the strips of flesh, the tendon and muscle, and lay them at my feet. I’d watch blood pool about me, and I’d soon be standing in my own little crimson lake; I’d take my bones and snap them, watching them splinter and reveal the long narrow tubes of marrow, so intoxicatingly rich. I’d scream and I’d writhe and I’d ache and I’d feel so much pain… I’d tear my face away, I’d throw whatever human features I had to the ground and laugh with the breaths from my exposed lungs, jeering and mocking the suicidal actions that I had been holding in for so long.
 
I’d want to watch myself die, with entrails hanging from my imperfect body. I’d lay down, and die, watching the ground turn red, watching my body go limp, just…
watching myself fade.
 
but I cant do that, can I?

No.
Unfortunately, I cant.
Because I have too much to do in this world before I continue on, if there is another world beyond this life.
 
And I dont want to leave her alone. I cant leave her alone. That wouldnt be fair to her…
 
And do you realize that all of this venting is something that I couldnt even begin to explain to my counselor? Nor could I even talk about this to my parents.
 
I just want pain.
 
So badly.
 
and not a headache. Not a bruise, or a sore muscle.
I want pain that I created.
Me.
My hands.
My needle.
My arms.
My legs.
 
But at the same time, I want peace.
 
I want to be back at the hilltop with my Love. I want to spread a blanket on the grass underneath that perfect tree, and lay with her there. I want to kiss her and hug her and cuddle with her and have everything be right in the world… I want my parents to just back off and not care and actually SUPPORT me for once. Theyre already sending me off to some college in Wyoming, so why cant I love who I WANT to love?
 
I LOVE her. So much, I love her so much. The deepest Love I’ve felt in all my life.
EVER.
Of course, we are only teenagers. we may not know what love really is.
 
But for the moment, cant we just enjoy each other’s company?
 
Gah.
 
Ulcer.
 
I just… I dont even know any more. I cant cry because all of my tears have been used up.
I cant laugh without an odd sort of ache in my chest.
Loneliness?
fear?
sorrow?
pain?
exhaustion?
fatigue?
 
I cant even tell anymore— everything just sort of blobs together and leaves me breathless and weak and pained.
 
I wish that maybe I could just sleep with her until everything sort of blew over. I wanna cry, but I cant, literally— Not because I dont want to, but I cant because I’m so weak that I cant even cry. I shudder and shake constantly because I want her, I want to hug her, I want to be in her arms…
 
I tried to hug myself this weekend.
It’s just not the same.
 
I tried to hug my stuffed animals this weekend.
Even they seem to push me away.
 
I tried hugging my horse this weekend.
I got a face full of horse-sneeze.
 
I tried hugging my dog this weekend.
I got a lick in the mouth;
 
Not the same.
 
I cant leave my house and I feel as if I’m about ready to go insane. I’ve started chipping at a small bit of my wall with my thumbnail out of stir crazy boredom— I have to say, it looked a bit like Texas before my parents painted over it. I’d sit there and pretend like I was somewhere else, having fun with friends and my Love… But as soon as I opened my eyes, I’d sob dryly and remember that… escape is impossible.
 
Even now I feel sick about going home. I just want to stay at school. I want to stay here and sit in the bathroom and just cry and howl and take myself apart and just become something that people walk by without looking.
Auras hurt me more often now, too.
 
I’ve let my gaurd down, being so consumed with myself and my own problems, and I’ve caught more glances of my own aura every now and then by removing myself… But with a lowered gaurd comes more attacks.
Every aura permeates through me and leaves me staring blankly at the ground, or at the wall, or something inanimate, and my Love always asks me “What’s wrong?” But all I can say, automatically, is “Oh, It’s nothing” or “I’m just tired”.
 
What the Hell is wrong with me?
 
Love, everything ISNT okay, okay? I’m sorry I didnt tell you earlier. I just… I want to be a better person and a better lover, and I stupidly expect you to think better of yourself when I’m literally stuck in this rut, this ditch, this ravine…
 
The Ravens have come late, said I.
 
The Brook has dried up.
 
Will I die here?
Will I never see the light of day again?
 
and then I was told
 
That a dead end becomes an open road
 
that a closed door opens a window
 
that the sun rises again.
 
 
And so, said I,
 
Let the Ravens come late.
Let the Brook run dry.
 
To the beggining of each Miracle, there is hopelessness.
there is sorrow, there is pain.
 
But these tests are what show our true potential.
 
So that I no longer depend on the Ravens.
so that I no longer rely on the brook.
 
so that I know…
 
I know that we will be saved.

Well…

so, school starts tommorow.

Boy, am I screwed.

ANYWAY.

I went to a party over the weekend. Had some good… firsts… with my love that night. c:

I cant wait to see her.

I really

really

really

REALLY

REALLY

wanna talk to her.

This vacation has been… tearful, to say the least. I miss her. I really do. and I cant get outta the house. and I’ve felt sick, mentally… all weekend…

I guess I should go.

So, I got Pokemon Soul Silver yesterday…

and seriously, it’s more addicting than I thought it would be.

I’m really excited about Ice Skating tommorow.

Happy to see my friends, happy to get out of my house, just… Just HAPPY.

FORGIVE ME.

Bryce: OOooh, your breath smells good.

Zsa: Yeah ikr LOL

Bryce: If you had man lips I’d kiss you.

Zsa: Well, Idk, I am on top sometimes.

-kisses-

Zsa: -standing there for a few seconds- Okay, ew, no.

Bryce: No, that’s not right.

-both walk away-